2009 Mock Draft

1)    Detroit Lions – Matthew Stafford, QB Georgia

Poor Lions.  They go 0-16 and their reward is Matt Stafford…insult to injury.  Staff-tits has the arm, but where’s the rest?  Accuracy? Not really.  Decision-making? Eh.  I think there’s a chance he’ll be good, but it’s a small chance – even smaller considering he’s going to Detroit.  There are questions with most top prospects, but Stafford seems to have too many.  If I were a Lions fan I’d prefer they go with Jason Smith, because there’s less risk involved.  If they pick Stafford they better be sure he succeeds because I don’t know how much more the beaten down fan base of Detroit can take.

2)    St. Louis Rams – Jason Smith, OT Baylor

Crabtree and Sanchez are too risky here.  Jason Smith won’t let you down.

3)    Kansas City Chiefs – Aaron Curry, LB Wake Forest

This pick is unsettling.  Curry is a stud, but is a guy with unproven pass rush ability really worth the money the third pick will receive?  Seems like people agree that he’s amazing at his position, but teams need to figure out whether his position is important enough for the money.  I’m putting him here, but I could see Curry fall out of the top eight.  If he’s there the Packers will take him on value alone.

4)    Seattle Seahawks – Mark Sanchez, QB USC

SI!  Seahawks necesito un quarterback para que jugar futbol Americano muy bueno! Matt Hasselbeck es un quarterback mas viejo y malo. Senor Sanchez es un quarterback muy joven y bonita!

5)    Cleveland Browns – Michael Crabtree, WR Texas Tech

With Braylon Edwards on a plane to Manhattan, the Browns need his replacement.  With Donte Stallworth headed to jail (I don’t know why, he honked to horn) and Joe Jurevicious collecting unemployment (at least he doesn’t have a kid to feed), they need some help desperately.  Crabtree will never get to Calvin/Andre Johnson, Moss, Fitzgerald level; I see him in the group below.

6)    Cincinnati Bengals – Eugene Monroe, OT Virginia

They thought they would have to settle on Andre Smith, but get lucky when Monroe is available at six.

7)    Oakland Raiders – Jeremy Maclin, WR Missouri

The Raiders really need a receiver and Al Davis loves speed freaks.  Enter Jeremy Maclin, perfect fit.  I’m a big fan of Maclin, but unfortunately he’s going to have a tough time as long as JaMarcus is around.  That guy sucks.

8)    Jacksonville Jaguars – B.J. Raji, DT Boston College

With the top receivers off the board, Jacksonville needs to fill the void left by Marcus Stroud’s departure to Buffalo last season.

9)    Green Bay Packers – Andre Smith, OT Alabama

The Packers will take Raji if he’s there.  With Raji unavailable, the Packers make the safe move.  Wait, what, Andre Smith is safe?  Isn’t he the same asshole who scooted out of the Combine early, jiggled his way through a 40-yard dash, and got his shit suspended for the Bama’s Bowl game?  Yes.  BUT, while he may be an idiot, he’s the safe pick when you watch him play. 

Tackle may not be the top team need, but all the DE/OLB hybrids carry significant risk and number 9 is too high for Tyson Jackson, who plays a position (3-4 defensive end) that’s relatively easy to fill.

It’s also not a bad idea to draft some protection for your new investment at quarterback.  I’m just as excited about Aaron Rodgers as the next guy, but remember to keep in mind that he’s a brittle dude.  Can we trust the already precarious health of our QB to GapTooth Clifton’s failing knees?  You draft Andre with the plan to start him at RT and ride GapTooth one more year at LT.  Next year you move Andre to LT, which should allow Packers project Breno Giacomini another year to develop as your RT. Worst case, Clifton gets Sapp’d again and you start your tackles of the future a year earlier than planned. 

I put my interns to work to find out how many teams are starting first round left tackles.  Wow, nineteen out of thirty two teams are starting first round left tackles.  But wait, there’s more.  Three teams have tried to settle that spot but failed with 1^strounders (Buffalo – M. Williams, Buccaneers – K. Walker, Cardinals – L. Brown). Making it 22/32 teams who have decided to go first round for their left tackle.  That must be the highest draft-selected position in the NFL. 

Why do teams select OT’s so high? Very simple.  They’re safe.  And even if they “fail” they’re still usually safe.  If your pick busts at LT, you can easily move him to a less important spot along the offensive line (ex: Robert Gallery, Levi Brown, Leonard Davis).  While you prefer they hold down the LT spot for ten years, if they fail there they can still contribute as starters for their teams.  This is in stark contrast to other positions; if Aaron Maybin fails at OLB, you won’t see him playing nose tackle the next week.  From a talent standpoint, at worst, WORST, Andre Smith is a solid right tackle.

Now, of course, the problem with Andre is not his play, it’s his brain.  Will he go off the grid with a fat contract?  Will he pull a Barrett Robbins and skip off to the Dejope Casino for a weekend of drinking and hookers?  That remains to be seen, but as one scout said, “The kid’s a great kid, he’s just very country”.  That sounds like a Green Bay Packer to me.

10) San Francisco 49ers – Brian Orakpo, DE Texas

My former man-crush; O-sack-po is a monster of a pass rusher.  I’m just concerned about his ability to be a standup linebacker who has to cover occasionally, too many questions to feel secure drafting him top ten.

11) Buffalo Bills – Everette Brown, DE Florida State

A little too short for a defensive end, but the dude can get after it.  Can’t stop the run for shit, but he can get after it.

12) Denver Broncos – Tyson Jackson, DE LSU

Very safe pick, but not sure the value is there.  If he’s truly a dynamic force who can stop the run and get to the passer from the 3-4 end spot then he’s worth it, but more likely he’ll just eat up blockers and you can find players later on who can do that.

13) Washington Redskins – Michael Oher, OT Ole Miss

The fourth tackle off the board, after Oher the tackle level drops off.  I hear he has all the tools, just needs some further development to become a great OT.  We’ll see if he gets that in Washington. 

14) New Orleans Saints – Malcolm Jenkins, CB Ohio State

Speed concerns have dropped him out of the top ten, but the guy will help whoever he ends up with.  Unfortunately, his presence won’t be enough to overcome Darren Sharper’s errors.

15) Houston Texans – Clay Matthews, LB USC

He’s not very good. 

16) San Diego Chargers – Knowshon Moreno, RB Georgia

      Good pick.

17) New York Jets – Darius Heyward-Bey, WR Maryland

I’m betting the Jets go in with Kellen Clemens as QB and are the frontrunners for the Sam Bradford derby (worst…derby…ever).  Darius Heyward-Bey?  I liked him better the first time - when he was called Troy Williamson.

18) Denver Broncos – Rey Maualuga, LB USC

The Broncos just keeping adding to that defense with this stud out of USC.  My favorite of the USC linebackers, he’s at his best when he’s allowed to be disruptive.  People wonder whether he’s a 3 down LB, and I think in the 3-4 he’ll be a beast of an inside linebacker.  Great pickup for the Broncos.

19) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Josh Freeman, QB Kansas State

Josh McCown and Byron Leftwich are just keeping the seat warm for Freeman. Although, given Byron’s girth, it’s more likely he’s keeping two seats warm.

20) Detroit Lions – Peria Jerry, DT Ole Miss

I don’t know where I heard it, but whoever coined the nickname Peria “Fusilli” Jerry is a genius.

21) Philadelphia Eagles – Beanie Wells, RB Ohio State

Fact: NFL running backs statistically tail off at age 30.

Fact: Brian Westbrook turns 30 before the season starts.

Fact: Stressed is desserts spelled backwards

22) Minnesota Vikings – Eben Britton, OT Arizona

I’ve heard Percy Harvin here, but I don’t see it.  They need an upgrade at tackle and Sidney Rice is a lot better than Childress thinks.

23) New England Patriots – Darius Butler, CB Connecticut

Patriots choose Butler over Vontae Davis in a bit of a shocker. 

24) Atlanta Falcons – Brandon Pettigrew, TE Oklahoma State

Some writer was discussing Pettigrew’s lack of top-flight speed and used Bubba Franks as an example of a guy who succeeded in spite of speed deficiencies.  Uh oh, not the guy Brandon wants to be compared to.

25) Miami Dolphins – Robert Ayers, DE Tennessee

Where the hell did this guy come from?

26) Baltimore Ravens – Brian Cushing, LB USC

Well this’ll be awkward.  Cushing waits patiently in the NYC Green Room on draft day all the way until #26.  I have no idea why he’s going to be there, and if I were him I wouldn’t volunteer myself to be the sob story still waiting to be picked ala A. Rodgers and B. Quinn.

27) Indianapolis Colts – Ziggy Hood, DT Missouri

Ziggy, Ziggy, Ziggy can’t you see? 

Sometime you’re workouts just hypnotize me 

And I just love your DT ways

I guess that’s why they broke and you’re so paid (once you sign your rookie deal)

28) Buffalo Bills – William Beatty, OT Connecticut

Jason Peter’s replacement.

29) **Cleveland Browns – Aaron Maybin, OLB Penn State

While Maybin’s height is ideal (6’3”), his weight causes him to slide to the end of round one.  He was able to explode past Big Ten tackles at about 225 pounds (L. Fitzgerald size) last season, but will he be the same athlete after adding an estimated 25-30 pounds this offseason?  He’s a project; high in the draft he’s a risk, here he’s a good value pick.

30) Tennessee Titans – Vontae Davis, CB Illinois

Pair him with Cortland Finnegan and give it a shot.  I don’t like Vontae, but I can’t decided if it is because I hate U. of Illinois, his brother, or his actual football ability.  I’m guessing it’s a combination of the first two.

31) Arizona Cardinals – Donald Brown, RB Connecticut

Tim Hightower is good at scoring from five yards away, nothing else.

32) Pittsburgh Steelers – Alex Mack, C California

Mackin’ on cupcakes.